A Cure For Mean Words: Warm Fuzzies and Cold Pricklies

If you call a kid out for insulting another they will often say either that they were just kidding or that they didn't say anything.  The insults tend to be used at just the right moment when they are closer to the victim then you are... and they say it just loud enough for the victim to hear it but not you.  This makes addressing the issue difficult at times.

On top of that, kids often don't truly understand what it feels like to be at the wrong end of an insult.  They do, however, know that when they insult another child that they get attention (and power) from it.

Do you remember as a child laughing at that moment that one kid called another a name, even though you knew how wrong it was.  It is similar to when a child sees an adult get hurt and laughs.  It is almost uncontrollable, like a nerve reaction.  No matter how uncontrollable the audience's reaction is... what it does is feeds the ego of the name caller and results in more of the same.

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I remember hearing a story at overnight camp about "Warm Fuzzies" but that wasn't the first thing I thought of when I had a class of five year olds saying not very nice things to each other.

Generally speaking my group had been quite nice to each other but they had recently hit a rough patch and I wanted some new ideas.

I consulted with my coworker who had been working with kids for far longer than I had, and was always full of good ideas.

Here's what she said to do?  Make a "cold prickly" and a "warm fuzzy."  I asked her about it and she explained what that meant.

Change for the Better

Close your eyes and think... do you know someone who makes your life challenging because of their personality? Often people that we feel that way about are people that we have to be around all the time: bosses, family members, classmates, coworkers, etc. Here is a technique that could change that forever.  This is a post (see link below) that I wrote almost a year ago. It's a technique from the behavior class that I took, but unlike most of the techniques that we learned, this one can be used with any age. To quote the post "It can be done with any person you know from about age 2 (maybe 1 1/2) up to 102." This method is easy to do and has an almost magical result.

IALAC: Take a Walk In Their Shoes

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view - until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."  from "To Kill a Mockingbird" by Harper Lee

Here's another technique we learned in my behavior class.  Not exactly a direct behavior method but a technique that can open your eyes to what your child (or another individual) is feeling like, living their day-to-day life.  Maybe their behaviors stem from the prevalence of negativity in their world.

IALAC stands for "I am lovable and capable."  This is a method of keeping track of the negative and positive moments in a person's day.  Like the Change the Label post I did, this is also a technique that you can do on ANYone... not just kids.  You can even do it on yourself!  Actually now that I think about it you could even do this on your dog!  Cool... I hadn't thought of that before.  Ok, "dog people" you can try this at home too!

Here is how it works:

Yes~Oui~Da~Si~Ja... Saying "YES!" to Kids

Another important lesson we learned, in the behavior course that I took, is how to say "YES!"
We know that kids hear "NO!" on a regular basis.

Well, this post is for the toddlers, the "No Davids" and every kid in between.

I used to think that a way to avoid saying "no" so often was to say "no" in a nicer way.
You know, like...
"Please use walking feet."
"Please use an inside voice."
"Please sit quietly."
Putting a positive and polite twist on "no," is still "no."

Now, if you are a kid, and you hear "no" all of the time (no matter how it is worded) you'll get pretty frustrated.  Adults also say "no" by saying "go to time-out."  Many kids who hear "no" often are the same kids who get put into time-out on a regular basis... quite the double whammy.
"No" builds up anger, it knocks down self worth and it doesn't fix behaviors.

Here is how to say YES.

Change the Label... Change the Behavior

Tonight I was going to post about something that is not behavior related because I don't want to define my blog as a blog that is only about behavior methods.  However, I have been having trouble writing the post that I was working on so I am going to go ahead and share another behavior method... the coolest and easiest one.
We learned this method on the second night of my behavior course.  It can be done with any person you know from about age 2 (maybe 1 1/2) up to 102.  Try it; you'll love it!

Here's what you do.
Make a list of your family members, your class, coworkers or any group of people that you are around on a regular basis.
Now, write down the first word you can think of next to each name.
These terms are not suppose to be carefully chosen.  They are not suppose to be kind or nice, just true.  Don't worry you can burn the list later.  In order to do this you need to be completely honest with yourself.

The WHY of Behaviors

What is behavior?  Some might say that behavior = being bad.  But look at it this way: all behavior (particularly for babies and little kids but often for big kids and adults too) is communication.  I know it doesn't sound like it at times but all they are trying to do is tell you what they want/need.  Again, I am pulling directly from the course I took on behavior.  This was so eye opening to me when we learned this.
All behavior shown by babies and little kids (and often others) is to either get something or avoid something.  It is that simple.  Once you figure out what they are trying to get or avoid you have something tangible to work with.

Amazing Alternative to Time-Out: Doing Conflict Resolution with Kids

image from internet

"What??" you say...  "What's wrong with time-out?!  Why do I need an alternative to it?!  Everybody uses time-outs."
Well those are all the things I thought too.

During the fall of 2009 I took a course designed for ECE (Early Childhood Education) teachers.  It was a course entirely on behavior.  The course was the single best class I have ever taken (that is coming from someone who loved almost every education class she's had).  Every human being who comes in contact with a child should take this class but since that is not possible I want to share some of the amazing techniques we learned here on my blog.

So I will get back to the point.  Why do we need alternatives to time-out?  What is wrong with time-out in the first place?